Parenting is probably the hardest job you were never trained for. When we become parents we are understandably full of excitement and joy, looking forward to all the fulfillment of raising a family. Often we aren't prepared for the inevitable conflicts that arise.
The following information is adapted from the webiste of Life Space Crisis Intervention (LSCI), a program that trains educators and parents how to use problems to help children and teens grow and learn.
The Conflict Cycle describes what happens in times of stress and conflict, when a kid can create in adults the same feelings the kid is having. If not prepared, adults will mirror their child's behaviors. In the heat of the moment, when adults do what comes naturally–what thousands of years of evolution have prepared their bodies to do–they often only make matters worse. That is why understanding the Conflict Cycle is the first line of defense against fueling further conflict.
THE CONFLICT CYCLE
…
1.
An incident occurs (frustration, failure, etc.) that ACTIVATES a child’s irrational beliefs (e.g.,
“Nothing good ever happens to me,” “Adults are unfair!”), which in turn defines it as a stressful incident.
2.
These negative beliefs and thoughts determine and TRIGGER the intensity of the student’s feelings.
3.
These intense feelings – not the student’s rational forces – DRIVE his or her inappropriate behaviors.
4 The inappropriate behaviors (yelling, threatening, sarcasm, refusing to speak)
INCITE adults.
5 Adults not only pick up the student’s feelings, but also they frequently
MIRROR the student’s behaviors (yell back, threaten, etc.).
6 These negative adult
REACTIONS increase the student’s level of stress, escalating the conflict into a selfdefeating crisis.
7 Although the student may lose this battle (i.e., he or she is punished), the student wins the war! His or her
SELF‐FULFILLING PROPHECY (irrational belief about adults) is REINFORCED. Therefore, the student has no motivation to change or alter the irrational beliefs or the inappropriate behaviors.
You can learn more about the conflict cycle and how to avoid it by going to www.lsci.org .
